Lag

Been three days since I got back from that place. And I never expect the place to keep me awake for two consecutive nights.

What I can do now, is to lie down and hope sleep comes to me soon. And in this darkness of the night, I could feel the presence and warmth of puddy on my left, hugging her favourite bolster and perhaps even drooling on it. Cute.

Sometimes, she might even turn over and give me that occasional subconscious hug.

Perhaps it is nice to know that even in my darkest hour (literally speaking), I still have someone to hold on to.

I know of people who are all alone in the dark, some looking for the one, some resigned to being alone and others just being contented the way they are, or are they?

Frankly, I do not believe anyone would want to be alone. People are social creatures and that is the reason why we are born with five senses, so that we can better relate to one another. And to see, to touch and to feel.

This applies to relationships too. Show me someone who do not wish to be in a relationship and I will show you a penguin that can fly. We can not escape from relationships and that is a fact of life. Unfortunately, we may end up loving and sometimes hating it. That depends on which side of the fence you are on, no?

We are social creatures, exactly like how Mother Nature made us to be. So for all of you out there, it is ok to feel lonely at times and is also completely ok to feel pretty much alone in this world. This is because we are not made to live alone, but as a harmonious whole with people you can be with.

So when you are feeling all alone, remember, you are not alone in this. There are millions of people out there feeling the same way as you do.

You are not alone. You just need to act on it.

Blogging at the gateway

It has been a while since I last blog about anything. But the fact of the matter is, there isn't any thing worth while for me to comment on for the past weeks. And some times when I do, I was too tired to pen down my thoughts.

But at last, I found a nice segment of quiet time to do a little bit of a stack dump.

But at this juncture, I have nothing much to say, only the fact that people much learn how to cherish one another. Not for the moment, but forever. However, this can never be because there is no forever and there will always been an end to all things.

The only thing you can do is to cherish the immediate time you have with others as a little can often go a long way...

How do you view money?

In the past 2 days, two different groups of people that I went out with said exactly the same thing. "why other people can earn so much? I also want."

Naturally, who doesn't want a 10k per month salary, a 2 story house, a sports car and other whats not.

But the thing is, do you think you are worse off now compared to when you have immense wealth? Sure, big house, big car, big whatever, but is that what you really want in life? Or is it all part of what you are exposed to that makes you think becoming rich is really what you want, over what you really really want?

Now, what do you really want in life?

6 years ago, when I was in Kolkata, I've seen happier children there than in Singapore, even though the children here have all the things that they want and those in Kolkata have literally nothing. Why?

In my course of interaction and delivering free meals to the elderly and the needy living in one room flats, I do not think that giving them money will solve their situations, because all they truly want is companionship. Money cannot solve that.

When babies are born, do you think they know what the concept of money is? Do you think they need money to be happy? No. They need companionship. Love. Food.

As adults, do you think money can buy you all your relationships, friends, family? Or are you contented being alone in your big empty house and enduring superficial relationships with people who wants to be friends with your money?

I'm not saying we should not strive to improve our quality of life but the thought of wanting to be rich needs further deliberation. Why do you want to get rich? You might be surprise to find that it may not be material wealth that you are after, but perhaps something that even all the money in the world can't get you.

Eat meat for boy, eat veggie for girls

Had lunch with friends on Thursday and the issue of diet came up. Not the normal diet discussion that you will expect such as 'what kind of food stuff is healthy' but rather something more....sexist.

You see, the discussion was about what kinds of food to eat should you prefer a baby of a specific gender.

They say meat if you want a boy and veggies, if, you want a baby girl.

Luckily, I like veggies.

And it rained...

Today is the first time that I had experience rain as I was leaving work for home.

The sky was grey.

The rain falling mercilessly onto the concrete pavement.

The smell of freshly cut grass.

My wet pair of shoes.

People running, seeking shelter.

People walking under colorful umbrellas.

Cars zoomed by, making water splashes as they went along.

The leaves of trees dances with the pelting of rain.

I didn't know rain is interesting. The first time I saw rain as I left work for home.

A stab in the dark

SINGAPORE: The teenage Taoist medium who organised a suicide pact had been upset over his parents' divorce.

The coroner's court heard this as the brother and friends of 16-year-old medium Ku Witaya took the stand in court on Tuesday.

(a) Witaya had convinced seven other teenagers to take part in the suicide pact last year.

Witaya and Sia Chan Hong fell nine storeys to their death, while the others backed out at the last minute.

The tragedy happened at Block 667, Jalan Damai in Kaki Bukit in the wee hours of August 23 last year.

Witaya had told them the world is coming to an end and they would be resurrected as slayers of demons.

(b)On Tuesday, Witaya's friends testified that he seemed troubled and stressed over his parents' divorce and financial problems. One said Witaya had previously mentioned that death will solve all his problems.

(c)A diary entry by one of the witnesses was also read in court. The entry said he was now going to be a slayer and that he cannot be a doctor or a lawyer when he grows up.

- CNA/ir

From this article, I would like to draw your attention to the following phrases:

(a) Witaya had convinced seven other teenagers to take part in the suicide pact last year.

Teenagers need to belong to feel that they are wanted/needed/accepted and being part of a group actually raises their self esteem. Further, peers are of greater importance to these teenagers as they seek to break away from parental influences, values and controls.

(b)On Tuesday, Witaya's friends testified that he seemed troubled and stressed over his parents' divorce and financial problems. One said Witaya had previously mentioned that death will solve all his problems.

Suicide is a classic tool used by some teenagers to run away from problems. Some of these young people attempt to withdraw by taking their own lives. Acts of suicide often indicate a real desire to die, but it also indicates that the young person is also crying for help.

(c)A diary entry by one of the witnesses was also read in court. The entry said he was now going to be a slayer and that he cannot be a doctor or a lawyer when he grows up.

Did he really wanted to be a lawyer or doctor when he grew up? Or was it due to parental pressure?

Piecing together the puzzle...A feable attempt at psychoanalysis

I think there were several cumulating factors that resulted in this tragedy. However, as there was not much information available in the article, much can only be extrapolated from whatever is available.

Based on the above 4 points, it is apparent that the teenager was running away from some sort of problem. The reported case of parental and financial problems may only be the straw that broke the camel's back. He has some form of escapisim, in his medium world where he can be useful and needed. This is depicted by his conviction that he can be resurrected as slayer of devils. Further, it is interesting to note that he is convienced that the world will come to an end and demons will rule the world. He had a fatalistic view that the world is all bad and nothing can be done to save it. This seemed to suggest that he had seen the ugly truth of the woes of adult lifes (perhaps from his parents divorce, financial woes and untold miseries that he might have) and decided that he wanted no part in this evil world. This is a real pity, as nobody is able to guide him, to offer him a more balanced view of this world(that the world is not all bad). And to extrapolate on this further, perhaps his resentment of his own impending adult life pushed him into believing that by committing suicide, he is able to avoid the path into adulthood.

Whichever the case, it was also unfortunate that he was charismatic enough to convience his peers in believing his inner world and form followers out of them (even 18 years old). A pity, considering that someone as charismatic as him may someday grow up to be a good leader, if he was given the chance to be shown the proper way...

MBTI confusion

I've talked to alot of people who had taken the MBTI type indicator test before (may be online, secondary school etc etc) and I've noticed most people have some confusion over the meaning of the word Introversion / Extraversion.

According to Wikipedia, the definitions are as follows:

"The preferences for extraversion (thus spelled in Myers-Briggs jargon) and introversion are sometimes referred to as attitudes. Briggs and Myers recognized that each of the cognitive functions can operate in the external world of behavior, action, people and things (extraverted attitude) or the internal world of ideas and reflection (introverted attitude). The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator sorts for an overall preference for one or the other of these."

What this paragraph is saying that extraversion are NOT people who likes to be around people and introversion are NOT people who prefer to be left alone. Extraversion in MBTI context can comprise of people who are extrovered and introvered and vice versa.

Then what does Extraversion and Introversion really mean in MBTI?

It means that if you are of type Introversion, you gain your energy from being alone. You can be talking to people and attend parties but doing all these will leave you drained. You have to spend some quiet time alone to recharge yourself.

For extraversion, you are the complete opposite. Being with people recharges your energy and being alone will drain you of your energy. You need to talk to people, be with people to feel recharged and all happy.

Remember, the Extraversion/Introversion aspect of the MBTI is talking about how an individual recharges oneself (whether he/she is inward facing or outward facing) and not based on his/her preference of liking better to be with people or being alone.

Reminiscing the past?

Have you ever read back on the things you wrote in the past?

I did. And it is a mixed bag of emotions. Some were funny. Some were good old memories. And a handful were downright weird.

"Did i write that? Did I ever......write that?" I apparently did.

The funny bone in me seemed to be broken after 2007. There were less and less blog entries that were funny...until there are no/infrequent blogpost at all to date. Why?

The good old memories were...good. In the year dated 2006 and beyond, the blog entries were brimming with youthful energy, full of fun and laughter. A handful were emotional, but in a good sort of way (Princess, you gotta see some of the postings i've written). As for the handful of weird ones, well, let's leave it as that shall we?

Looking back, I kind of miss the spontaneity and energy I had in the past in writing the blog entries. My last few entries were lethargic, to say the least. It was as if there was this shackle wrapped around my heart, weighing me down, draining me of energy to write like i used to.

I am concerned because this meant that my avenue to articulate my feelings are not being used and all those feelings are internalised. Not a very good thing in terms of mental health. The next question to ask is then, why am I interalising more than I used to?

Dunno.

But, that is also fine.

Anyway back to the main topic, I think reading back on the past is a good thing. Perhaps that is why some people like to keep diaries, so that they can have a record of what happened so many years ago. ha.

Angry.

Angry. The whole world shuts its door on you when you so desire help. There is no one around to help me. I can't be my own psychologist.

Logically, this may not be true, but at this point in time, it is true to me because I believe this is so.

The text that describes the feeling...

"I know you're going to do this. I don't really understand why you want to put yourself at such risk. I'll try to be supportive, but just don't expect me to pretend to be happy about it." I knew that not being able to share this danger with me was one of the hardest things for her to accept about the situation.

- excerpt from the book "First in Afghanistan"

Bonds!

The experience of the old life came quite suddenly, caught me unprepared and completely off-guard. But strangely, I did not resend it, but instead, allowed the experience to flow through me, invoking memories of the past and reliving them in the present.

Sadly, the past can never be totally re-lived. People come and go. Bonds strengthen and weaken. Things will never be the same again. In the course of 3 years, I've seen the countless formation of new bonds, and the breakage of old ones. Honor the old. Cherish the new. For you never know when they will all but disappear.

I hope, with time, bonds that I had painstakingly forged will only grow stronger. But alas, I can only hope. In faith I hope.

I'm back!

It is soooo soooo nice to be back writing on my blog again after a long hiatus. Somehow, for the past 3 months, I didn't have the mood to write and even if I did, the words just couldn't flow.

It seems I have lost touch with my inner-self.

The past 3 months had gone-by in a whirl and much had happened. Much. Life is a journey that starts with self-discovery and it begins with the awareness of self. And only then you can proceed to conquer the world. And not look back.

Not look back. The future is all that matters.

I dreamed a dream

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

He slept a summer by my side,
He filled my days with endless wonder...
He took my childhood in his stride,
But he was gone when autumn came!

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

Metaphorically Speaking...

The tides are shifting. Barely a whisper of movement but the tides are shifting. It senses the shift and resists against it, like it did for eons. It will assimilate successfully this new shift, like all shifts before it, or will it?

There is a wisp of fear lingering around. A tiny speck of fear that has been growing with the flow of time. Perhaps one day, this fear will materalise but for now, the usual dose of medicine will do the trick.

But the days of today are different from the days of the past. The lands are ravaged by greed, selfishness and cruelity. And are already beginning to crumble. It might not be this shift. Or the next 20 or even the next 500 shifts that will destroy these lands. But eventually, nothing will stand the test of time. There will always be a beginning, and an end. And the beginning of the end will begin with a single step. One that will unravel the tapesty of its' fate. One that will lead it to oblivion.

We can only hope and even pray, that when that time comes, there is still some good left on these forsaken lands, a reason, a hope, to give meaning to our actions when salvation begins.

Or perhaps, it might already be too late.

 

Blogging Constipation

Blogging Constipation is a self coined term for someone who has so much to write on his/her happenings in his/her insignificant lil' life that the channeling of thoughts through the brain had all but 'corked' shut like a cock in a champaign bottle.

And that is precisely how I feel at the present moment, after delaying penning(metaphorically speaking) down thoughts which I had allow to accumulate from a tiny little heap into an Everest of words. Which subsequently jammed up the "brain-to-finger" channel with a massive tsunami of jumbled thoughts.

What is a good laxative?

The Beginning Is The End Is The Beginning

2008 Alfa Romeo 147 Ti 
2008 Alfa Romeo 159 2.2

2008 Alfa Romeo 159 1.9 Diesel

2009 Audi A3 1.8TFSI

2009 Audi A4 Avant 3.2TFSI

2009 Audi A6 2.0TFSI
2009 BMW 335i

2009 BMW M3 4.0

2008 BMW X5 4.8i

2008 Chevrolet Aveo5

2009 Chevrolet Epica 2.0

2008 Chery T11

2008 Fiat Punto 1.4 Diesel

2008 Ford Mondeo 2.3

2008 Ford S-Max 2.3

2009 Honda Jazz 1.3

2009 Honda Jazz 1.5

2008 Honda Accord 2.0

2008 Honda CRV 2.0

2008 Honda CRV 2.4

2008 KIA Cerato Variant 2
2009 KIA Cerato Forte

2006 Lexus RX300

2007 Land Rover Freelander 2

2008 Mazda 2

2007 Mercedes C350

2007 Mercedes GL450

2007 Mercedes A170

2009 MINI Cabrio

2007 Mitsubishi Lancer EX 1.5

2008 Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution X

2008 Mitsubishi Delica D:5

2007 Nissan 350Z

2007 Nissan Latio Sports

2007 Nissan Lafesta

2008 Nissan Qashqai

2008 Nissan Murano 3.5

2008 Opel Vectra 2.2

2008 Peugeot 308 Turbo

2009 Perodua Myvi

2008 Renault Clio 1.6

2008 Renault Koleos 2.5

2008 Saab 9-3 Sportscombi

2007 Subaru Impreza WRX 2.5 Sedan

2008 Subaru Impreza S-GT

2008 Subaru Impreza WRX 2.5 Hatch

2008 Subaru Forrester 2.0

2008 Suzuki Swift 1.5

2008 Suzuki Swift Sports (M)

2008 Suzuki Swift Sports (A)

2007 Suzuki SX4 Sedan

2008 Suzuki SX4

2008 Toyota Previa 2.4

2008 Toyota Vios 1.5

2008 Toyota Altis 1.6

2008 Toyota RAV4 2.4

2008 Volkswagen Polo 1.4TDI

2008 Volkswagen Jetta 1.4TSI

2008 Volkswagen Jetta 2.0 Gli

2008 Volkswagen Jetta 2.0TFSI

2008 Volkswagen Golf-Sports 1.4TSI

2008 Volkswagen Golf GTI 

2008 Volkswagen Touran 1.4TSI

2008 Volkswagen Tourag R50 

2008 Volkswagen EOS

2008 Volkswagen Passat 1.8T

2008 Volkswagen Passat R36

2008 Volvo S40 2.4

2009 Volvo XC60 

2008 Volvo XC90

Need I say more?

In the end, the race is only with yourself

It is ok to be sad. 

It is ok to be miserable. 

It is ok to be inferior. 

Because it is wonderful to be human beings. 

Of course, sometimes, just sometimes, emotions may run on the wild side, gives you

a little "kick in the butt" and takes you on a roller coaster ride but it doesn't really matter.

Because what matters is your acknowledgement of these wayward emotions. Learn to live with them. Understand them. Face them.

I cannot teach you how to do so - each have their own path to take to recovery - I can only encourage you along your journey. The rest is really up to no one but yourself.

Take heart, for the journey is long.

But in the end, it is only with yourself.

Friends

While chatting with a friend of mine, the topic of friends was brought up. She says "Isn't it sad that we do not keep touch with friends as often as we want anymore?". To highlight this fact even further, I said "well...friends are only there when your path in life coincide. Other than that, it is really hard to continue to keep in constant contact". 

To sum it up in one sentence, "Friends come and go. Only a precious few will stay on."

 

Emotionally, it may be sad. But there is nothing sad about the way life is. But there is much to be desirerdt if you do not cherish those moments that you have with your companions. 

That, is the real sad bit.

Just today, we had a farewell lunch at Bathers (western food restaurant near sunset way). This friend of ours is returning to China for good and we had the intend to treat him to a farewell lunch. Mid-way during lunch, two of our collegues just so happened to eat at the same place. 

The most heart-warming bit was that he insisted on paying for the meal (which isn't cheap, should be around 90 bucks in total) and under the pretext of going to the toilet, paid for our meals.

Not only that, when we came back into office, we also discovered that he had also silently paid for the other two collegues that was seating in the next table.

Sometimes, just sometimes, when we are too focused on achieving materalistic wants, too bend on saving for a rainy day, too caught up trying to be rich and successful, we tend to forget that there are much simple things in life waiting for us to see, to experience, to do. And to feel good about.

Sometimes, all it takes is to see beyond the things that blinded us and focus on things that really matters. So what matters? It's the people around you. Your family and your friends. Without them, without these basic pillars of life, no life can be meaninful, no life can be fulfilling. All you can have is only a bland mix of going through the motion. People around you are the ones that gives flavors to your life.

Remember that.

Journey

Thus far I have come...

but how long more...

how long more...